EPISODE 38
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Grieving the Dog Experience You Thought You’d Have (And Finding Peace With the One You Do)
If you love your dog but quietly carry a sadness about the experience you thought you’d have, you’re not alone. This is one of the most unspoken parts of life with a difficult dog. In this episode, we’re finally making space for it.
The grief of the dog experience you imagined is real.
The gap between the dog life you pictured, the calm walks, the easy companionship, the relaxed weekends, and the one you’re actually living can be quietly exhausting. Especially when you feel like you shouldn’t say it out loud, because you chose this, and you love your dog, and who are you to grieve?
In this episode, I share my own experience with Bonnie, who came home to a home where my other dog, Maisy, wasn’t keen on her, who stopped on every walk in ways I didn’t understand at the time, who eventually became extremely dog reactive, and the quiet grief I carried through all of it.
I also explore why this grief is so hard to name, and what actually happens when you let yourself feel it.
“It’s also okay to say it’s not working.”
Sian Lawley-Rudd
The Science Behind It (Expanded Insight)
Cognitive Dissonance and Dog Parenting
Cognitive dissonance is the psychological discomfort we feel when reality doesn’t match our expectations. For dog parents, this often shows up as guilt, because when the experience doesn’t match what we imagined, our minds look for a reason. And the easiest reason to reach for is: I must be doing something wrong. Understanding this pattern is the first step to releasing it.
Attachment Theory and the Bond Built Through Difficulty
Research on human-dog attachment shows that secure bonds aren’t built through ease, they’re built through repair. Through struggle, and staying. Through showing up even when it’s hard.
The dog parents who’ve never had a difficult walk don’t know what you know. The attunement, the sensitivity, the depth of connection that comes from working through something hard together is a different kind of relationship. A deeper one.
Share this episode with a fellow dog parent who needs it
Key Takeaways
• Grieving the dog experience you imagined is not the same as not loving your dog
• The gap between expectation and reality creates real psychological discomfort, and that’s not your failure
• Allowing yourself to feel the grief, rather than suppressing it, frees up energy and creates presence
• The bond built through a difficult dog experience is one of the most secure, attuned connections you can have
• Finding peace doesn’t mean pretending everything is fine, it means being willing to be here, in this experience, with this dog
A Note for Those Who Are Really Struggling
This episode is about finding peace with the dog experience you have, but I want to gently acknowledge something.
If you are at a point where things have become so difficult that your mental health is suffering every single day, and you’re working with someone and it still isn’t working, it’s also okay to say that it’s not working.
That is a completely different conversation to the one in this episode, but it’s an important one. You should feel able to have it with someone you trust, without shame.
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